Wednesday, the moon is waning, and your lovelife is failing.

Aries

You will start smoking. Finally now you are cool!

Taurus

You will find out the cake is a lie

Gemini

You will "ride the unicorn". If you know what I mean *wink wink nudge nudge*.

Cancer

You will see Mary Jane, she'll be smokin' in a paper-thin dress, waiting only your lips.

Leo

You will appreciate, for the first and the last time, Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick to the face.

Virgo

At some point tomorrow, you will suddenly self-combust. Try to eat something that smells nice in the morning, like potpourri.

Libra

You will wanna rock! ROCK! Want tooo rock! ROCK! But you won't 'cause you're still deathly ill.

Scorpio

You will sneeze and it'll create a butterfly effect leading to a devastating earthquake in the Philippines.

Sagittarius

You will puke into a shoe.

Capricorn

Listen, maybe I'm not a big fancy physicist, but activating all those lasers WILL create a fusion reaction, but far beyond what your safety measures can handle.
I'm telling ya you didn't account for impurities in the Hohlraum. Anyways, just remember "I told you so".

Aquarius

All your problems will unexpectedly fix themselves. I'm being sarcastic you lazy bastard.

Pisces

You'll be so happy because you got a promotion, everything will be great and your life will be perfect in every way. That's when the dinosaurs show up.