Tuesday, I foretold yesterday that I'd write this just now. Woah. Yeah I know...

Aries

The guy with the red shirt is the one that farted.

Taurus

It is imperative that you follow my instructions if you want to continue living. First, take [STAY-AT-HOME MOM MAKING 2000$/DAY WHILE WORKING FROM HER OWN HOME! FIND OUT HOW!!!], then you should be ok.

Gemini

You will do relatively well in tomorrow's presentation, considering you'll forget to put pants on.

Cancer

Tomorrow, you and all your coworkers' jobs will have been stolen by robots. Immigrant robots.

Leo

Rappers, who are a bad influence for our youths, will finally learn the error of their ways, and will start playing heavy metal.

Virgo

Beware of Pisces, they will stink, but Aries will give you time (you forgot your watch) and Gemini will sell you hot-dogs.

Libra

You will finally finish reading that book. Turns out the murderer was the character's sister.

Scorpio

You know the saying: "Curiosity killed the cat?" Well, you will kill a cat.

Sagittarius

Concerning your relationships, the love triangle you're in will change into an octagon.

Capricorn

You will discover what happens when you burp and sneeze at the same time. Hint: Projectile regurgitation is involved.

Aquarius

You'll leave your keys near the refrigerator, dumbass.

Pisces

You WILL haz a cheezburger.

Monday, I predict work-related problems your the short term future

Aries

Tomorrow, you will see a gate with the sign: "Abandon all hope ye who enter here", have a nice eternity.

Taurus

Tomorrow, birds will sing your praise, fish will jump out of water in salute, and all sort of animals, be it the meek or the bold, will cherish your passage in their midst. Only then will you kill Bambi.

Gemini

You will be filled with joy and happiness most of the day. 'Til the drugs wear off.

Cancer

All your worries will go like water under a bridge. Sorry, not worries, I meant belongings. Anyways, there's gonna be a flood.

Leo

Every time you'll look at yourself in the mirror, you'll see a leprechaun. *shrug*

Virgo

When you feel yourself doubting your actions, carry on anyways, because at the end of the day, you'll still be you. Wait, does that make sense?

Libra

What was that all about? Like, she thinks she all THAT, every time he's around, I mean, she's SUCH a bitch. And that other one, talk about dressing like a whore. Anyways, you'll see what I mean, you go girl.

Scorpio

You will be fired… up about the show and then dying… to get a close view at the band, but, then you get punched in the face… by the awesome sound coming from the speakers, until a stage light falls on you and you burst into flames, screaming in pain… hum… metaphorically.

Sagittarius

You will join the undead and acquire a strong taste for BRAAAINS.

Capricorn

Tomorrow, you will find out something interesting about what REALLY happened yesterday, which is today, so it's like the future's past, which is also, in this case, the present's past. Anyways, Larry's bangin' your wife.

Aquarius

Darth Vader is Luke's father by the way. Yeah you'll finally watch Star Wars.

Pisces

Tomorrow you will feel like a king (i.e. decapitated)

Friday, yes you can re-activate your brain now, work week is done

Aries

You'll finally find a cure for liver cancer, but you'll also be diagnosed with lung cancer.

Taurus

You will completely lose your shit when you step in some.

Gemini

Your dreams will finally come true. Yes, THOSE dreams.

Cancer

You'll have a déjà-vu about reading this very entry… spooky.

Leo

You'll really enjoy your surprise party, I mean EVERYBODY will be there, I'm telling ya, the face you'll make! Oh, right, sorry.

Virgo

Hey I got a good one-liner after the heroic thing you'll do tomorrow: "And now it's time to take out the trash!" (trust me, it'll be awesome).

Libra

Not much to say, since you won't wake up.

Scorpio

Everything you'll do tomorrow will suck.

Sagittarius

It is NOT a fart.

Capricorn

You will finally get your dream job. Then wake up and realize you're still miserable and unemployed.

Aquarius

Whatever you do, do not feed the zebras.

Pisces

Aliens will abduct you, it'll be HORRIBLE! They like country music.

Thursday, time prognostication at it's drunkest

Aries

You will finally understand that money is not what's important in this world. I mean you'll lose all your money.

Taurus

You will use this prediction to try to avert your future, but your fate cannot be changed: You will lose your favorite shoes.

Gemini

You will reinvent the wheel. Yours are square though due to patent laws.

Cancer

You'll be eaten by an octopus. Even though I'm telling you, you REALLY won't see it coming.

Leo

You will finally realize that ninjas are awesomer than pirates.

Virgo

Don't Fear the Reaper. He's busy with Jay from accounting.

Libra

You will meet the Sphinx, it will eat you unless you answer his ancient riddle: What is white-black-white-black-white-black-RED… A nun falling down the stairs.

Scorpio

Tomorrow, you will discover this blog. You should check yesterday's entry. HI THERE!

Sagittarius

Shredder will try another of his diabolical plans, but you and your brothers will thwart him again.

Capricorn

You'll be SUCH an asshole.

Aquarius

Tomorrow is a new day, all the old hurts and worries will be gone, your mind will finally be at ease. All because of your new best friend: alcohol.

Pisces

You will die and be reincarnated into a lemur.

Wednesday, who knows what tomorrow may hold? Me.

Aries

Everything will be fine, until, when you least expect it: Ninjas.

Taurus

You will become a little more like Buddha. I mean fatter.

Gemini

You will find out what happens when you sneeze underwater.

Cancer

Your love interest will finally reciprocate. But she's a he.

Leo

You'll have an uncomfortable morning, a painful afternoon and an embarrassing evening. So, do NOT forget to go the bathroom before starting the day.

Virgo

At some point tomorrow, you will suddenly self-combust. Try to eat something that smells nice in the morning, like potpourri.

Libra

You will metaphorically eat a canary, but ironically it won't matter.

Scorpio

Everyone and everything you hold dear will die/crumble to dust. Try not to be too depressed.

Sagittarius

Tomorrow you will feel like a princess (i.e. forced to marry your half-cousin for political reasons)

Capricorn

Tomorrow, you will be a racist pig, asshole.

Aquarius

Just do whatever feels right, you're awesome.

Pisces

People will see the image of Jesus in your vomit.

Tuesday, predictions may be wrong only to throw the government off

Aries

You will fail everything you try and disappoint everyone. Then cry. You big baby.

Taurus

You will be nailed to a cross and die for humanity's sins. Sucks to be you.

Gemini

I COULD tell you, but then again, I'd have to kill you. Nah, I'm kidding, somebody else kills you.

Cancer

You'll be SO surprised, but I don't wanna ruin it, I mean, what are the ODDS! One in a billion! You'll see, I mean, I WANT to tell you, but it's just, I can't, you'll have to see your face! Wow, just wow.

Leo

Pick 847293. I take donations by the way.

Virgo

You should accept that nice cup of STFU.

Libra

A platypus cannot jump very high. Remember that.

Scorpio

You will find out that your only weakness is Kryptonite. That or a baseball bat.

Sagittarius

You will use this prediction and try to change your future, but it'll create a time paradox about you trying to stop yourself from creating a time paradox.

Capricorn

You will impress everybody will your diving skills, but not your not-breaking-your-neck–on-the-side-on-the-swimming-pool skills.

Aquarius

You will go to Hell and back. I mean New Jersey.

Pisces

All your paranoid precautions will not have been for nothing. SOMETHING will happen. Haha, nah just messing with ya… or am I?

Monday, hope you had a nice weekend (it was your last)

Aries

Your day will be good, except you will continue being suuuch an douche.

Taurus

Your Master will finally hear your summons... and he will awaken, and the blood of the innocents shall fall from the sky, and fire shall engulf the world in it's apocalyptic embrace.

Gemini

Stick to your principles and you'll see the day through (unless you want to get rich, then fuck that).

Cancer

You should put on clean underwear tomorrow, or the doctors doing your autopsy will be disgusted.

Leo

You'll win a rolling-pin throwing competition and will be admired by your peers.

Virgo

The gun's a fake. Jab to the face, a good right in the gut and that Lego Batman: The Batboat, will be yours.

Libra

Tomorrow, you'll never amount to anything, just like your mother always said.

Scorpio

Fate is a fickle mistress, Karma's a bitch, and your girlfriend's throwing you out.

Sagittarius

Man you'll rock! High five!

Capricorn

You'll pretend you didn't mean to, but you'll kick a cat. You cat-kicker.

Aquarius

Your third nipple will fall off.

Pisces

Everything you touch will turn to gold. Watch out while wiping.