Tuesday, Saturn is mooning Jupiter

Aries

THAT day has come, go check your chainsaw.

Taurus

Concerning your relationships… bah, who am I kidding you have none.

Gemini

When you hear that noise, it's NOT the house creaking. Long story short, don't be too surprised if you're shot 7 times in your bed.

Cancer

You know... this thing you keep hidden... Well, get rid of it... discreetly.

Leo

You will get run over by an ambulance.

Virgo

The hell with it, you can fart in that elevator, everybody'll think it's Larry.

Libra

You will die a horrible horrible death. No, sorry, wrong prediction, this was for Virgo. Here we go: You will also die a horrible horrible death.

Scorpio

I... I can't do this, what the HELL is the problem with you! What you'll do is, I mean... you're sick, you... need professional help.

Sagittarius

In his house underneath the ocean at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu will rise from his slumber. Just sayin'

Capricorn

When she says "You know, I've always LOVED mangos", respond "Oh yeah, nothing like the Sindhri mangoes from Pakistan, hmmhmm!". Trust me it'll work.

Aquarius

You should follow the white rabbit, then take the red pill. Oh and try kicking the agents in the nuts, it's their digital weak spot.

Pisces

The day will start fine, you'll feel a little under the weather, but don't worry, it'll pass... until you and everyone around you starts puking everywhere. I mean eeeeverywhere. Then, you'll puke just trying to clean all that puke. It'll turn into a never-ending puking loop.