Wednesday, who knows what tomorrow may hold? Me.

Aries

Everything will be fine, until, when you least expect it: Ninjas.

Taurus

You will become a little more like Buddha. I mean fatter.

Gemini

You will find out what happens when you sneeze underwater.

Cancer

Your love interest will finally reciprocate. But she's a he.

Leo

You'll have an uncomfortable morning, a painful afternoon and an embarrassing evening. So, do NOT forget to go the bathroom before starting the day.

Virgo

At some point tomorrow, you will suddenly self-combust. Try to eat something that smells nice in the morning, like potpourri.

Libra

You will metaphorically eat a canary, but ironically it won't matter.

Scorpio

Everyone and everything you hold dear will die/crumble to dust. Try not to be too depressed.

Sagittarius

Tomorrow you will feel like a princess (i.e. forced to marry your half-cousin for political reasons)

Capricorn

Tomorrow, you will be a racist pig, asshole.

Aquarius

Just do whatever feels right, you're awesome.

Pisces

People will see the image of Jesus in your vomit.