Wednesday, Mars is in heat and Venus is frigid

Aries

The beginning of the day will be a complete nightmare. Then you will wake up. Then it'll be a real nightmare.

Taurus

All your problems will unexpectedly fix themselves. Moral of the story: never try.

Gemini

You will be mistaken for the dictator of a small South-American country and be assassinated by the CIA. Just try to have a surprised look.

Cancer

You will need more cowbell.

Leo

At exactly 10:32:35 AM, duck. You're welcome.

Virgo

No matter what they'll say, do NOT say Bloody Mary three times in the mirror.

Libra

The paintball game will be pretty cool actually. Don't worry about it, it won't hurt like you think. It's just afterwards that you'll get run over by a truck.

Scorpio

Tomorrow, they'll kill Kenny, the bastards.

Sagittarius

All your problems will be fixed and everything will be good. Nah, just kindin' you're still miserable, ugly and alone.

Capricorn

You'll be strangled by a rare specie of Australian constrictor snake. I won't tell you how to avoid it, 'cause I don't like you.

Aquarius

Tomorrow, you will read my prediction for the day after that, saying: "Tomorrow, you will read my prediction for the day after that, saying: "Tomorrow...

Pisces

You'll eat the whole pie, you fat pig.