Thursday, time prognostication at it's drunkest

Aries

You will finally understand that money is not what's important in this world. I mean you'll lose all your money.

Taurus

You will use this prediction to try to avert your future, but your fate cannot be changed: You will lose your favorite shoes.

Gemini

You will reinvent the wheel. Yours are square though due to patent laws.

Cancer

You'll be eaten by an octopus. Even though I'm telling you, you REALLY won't see it coming.

Leo

You will finally realize that ninjas are awesomer than pirates.

Virgo

Don't Fear the Reaper. He's busy with Jay from accounting.

Libra

You will meet the Sphinx, it will eat you unless you answer his ancient riddle: What is white-black-white-black-white-black-RED… A nun falling down the stairs.

Scorpio

Tomorrow, you will discover this blog. You should check yesterday's entry. HI THERE!

Sagittarius

Shredder will try another of his diabolical plans, but you and your brothers will thwart him again.

Capricorn

You'll be SUCH an asshole.

Aquarius

Tomorrow is a new day, all the old hurts and worries will be gone, your mind will finally be at ease. All because of your new best friend: alcohol.

Pisces

You will die and be reincarnated into a lemur.