Thursday, I've consulted the Oracles: They say you suck

Aries

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. In wheelchair.

Taurus

Use the Calibri font, yeah it'll make all the difference.

Gemini

You'll put yo hands in the air, and wave'em like you just don't care! But you do care, and the rescue plane will not see you. You should build a bigger signal fire.

Cancer

You'll open a can of Whoop-Ass and spill it all over yourself.

Leo

The day will start with some of life's small obstacles, but you must stay positive, kill a dwarf, persevere, and in the end you will be happy with how your day panned out.

Virgo

You'll discover a secret passage in your house when you finally decide to read The Great Gatsby.

Libra

Everything will be fine. Yes. Fine. Carry on like any other day. Fine.

Scorpio

You'll meet Jesus. Eating a burger at McDonald's. Don't fuck with him.

Sagittarius

When you see him (you know who), tell him you really like his watch. You should start checking for a wedding dress by the way.

Capricorn

You'll ride the puke train to Pukesbekistan... Did I mention puke?

Aquarius

DO SOMETHING!!! ANYTHING! DO SOMETHING!!!!! ... Nah it's hopeless, never mind.

Pisces

Your cat and your dog will suddenly fight to the death. The dog wins.