Tuesday, predictions may be wrong only to throw the government off

Aries

You will fail everything you try and disappoint everyone. Then cry. You big baby.

Taurus

You will be nailed to a cross and die for humanity's sins. Sucks to be you.

Gemini

I COULD tell you, but then again, I'd have to kill you. Nah, I'm kidding, somebody else kills you.

Cancer

You'll be SO surprised, but I don't wanna ruin it, I mean, what are the ODDS! One in a billion! You'll see, I mean, I WANT to tell you, but it's just, I can't, you'll have to see your face! Wow, just wow.

Leo

Pick 847293. I take donations by the way.

Virgo

You should accept that nice cup of STFU.

Libra

A platypus cannot jump very high. Remember that.

Scorpio

You will find out that your only weakness is Kryptonite. That or a baseball bat.

Sagittarius

You will use this prediction and try to change your future, but it'll create a time paradox about you trying to stop yourself from creating a time paradox.

Capricorn

You will impress everybody will your diving skills, but not your not-breaking-your-neck–on-the-side-on-the-swimming-pool skills.

Aquarius

You will go to Hell and back. I mean New Jersey.

Pisces

All your paranoid precautions will not have been for nothing. SOMETHING will happen. Haha, nah just messing with ya… or am I?