Monday, hope you had a nice weekend (it was your last)

Aries

Your day will be good, except you will continue being suuuch an douche.

Taurus

Your Master will finally hear your summons... and he will awaken, and the blood of the innocents shall fall from the sky, and fire shall engulf the world in it's apocalyptic embrace.

Gemini

Stick to your principles and you'll see the day through (unless you want to get rich, then fuck that).

Cancer

You should put on clean underwear tomorrow, or the doctors doing your autopsy will be disgusted.

Leo

You'll win a rolling-pin throwing competition and will be admired by your peers.

Virgo

The gun's a fake. Jab to the face, a good right in the gut and that Lego Batman: The Batboat, will be yours.

Libra

Tomorrow, you'll never amount to anything, just like your mother always said.

Scorpio

Fate is a fickle mistress, Karma's a bitch, and your girlfriend's throwing you out.

Sagittarius

Man you'll rock! High five!

Capricorn

You'll pretend you didn't mean to, but you'll kick a cat. You cat-kicker.

Aquarius

Your third nipple will fall off.

Pisces

Everything you touch will turn to gold. Watch out while wiping.