Monday, I predict work-related problems your the short term future

Aries

Tomorrow, you will see a gate with the sign: "Abandon all hope ye who enter here", have a nice eternity.

Taurus

Tomorrow, birds will sing your praise, fish will jump out of water in salute, and all sort of animals, be it the meek or the bold, will cherish your passage in their midst. Only then will you kill Bambi.

Gemini

You will be filled with joy and happiness most of the day. 'Til the drugs wear off.

Cancer

All your worries will go like water under a bridge. Sorry, not worries, I meant belongings. Anyways, there's gonna be a flood.

Leo

Every time you'll look at yourself in the mirror, you'll see a leprechaun. *shrug*

Virgo

When you feel yourself doubting your actions, carry on anyways, because at the end of the day, you'll still be you. Wait, does that make sense?

Libra

What was that all about? Like, she thinks she all THAT, every time he's around, I mean, she's SUCH a bitch. And that other one, talk about dressing like a whore. Anyways, you'll see what I mean, you go girl.

Scorpio

You will be fired… up about the show and then dying… to get a close view at the band, but, then you get punched in the face… by the awesome sound coming from the speakers, until a stage light falls on you and you burst into flames, screaming in pain… hum… metaphorically.

Sagittarius

You will join the undead and acquire a strong taste for BRAAAINS.

Capricorn

Tomorrow, you will find out something interesting about what REALLY happened yesterday, which is today, so it's like the future's past, which is also, in this case, the present's past. Anyways, Larry's bangin' your wife.

Aquarius

Darth Vader is Luke's father by the way. Yeah you'll finally watch Star Wars.

Pisces

Tomorrow you will feel like a king (i.e. decapitated)