Tuesday, I foretold yesterday that I'd write this just now. Woah. Yeah I know...

Aries

The guy with the red shirt is the one that farted.

Taurus

It is imperative that you follow my instructions if you want to continue living. First, take [STAY-AT-HOME MOM MAKING 2000$/DAY WHILE WORKING FROM HER OWN HOME! FIND OUT HOW!!!], then you should be ok.

Gemini

You will do relatively well in tomorrow's presentation, considering you'll forget to put pants on.

Cancer

Tomorrow, you and all your coworkers' jobs will have been stolen by robots. Immigrant robots.

Leo

Rappers, who are a bad influence for our youths, will finally learn the error of their ways, and will start playing heavy metal.

Virgo

Beware of Pisces, they will stink, but Aries will give you time (you forgot your watch) and Gemini will sell you hot-dogs.

Libra

You will finally finish reading that book. Turns out the murderer was the character's sister.

Scorpio

You know the saying: "Curiosity killed the cat?" Well, you will kill a cat.

Sagittarius

Concerning your relationships, the love triangle you're in will change into an octagon.

Capricorn

You will discover what happens when you burp and sneeze at the same time. Hint: Projectile regurgitation is involved.

Aquarius

You'll leave your keys near the refrigerator, dumbass.

Pisces

You WILL haz a cheezburger.

Monday, I predict work-related problems your the short term future

Aries

Tomorrow, you will see a gate with the sign: "Abandon all hope ye who enter here", have a nice eternity.

Taurus

Tomorrow, birds will sing your praise, fish will jump out of water in salute, and all sort of animals, be it the meek or the bold, will cherish your passage in their midst. Only then will you kill Bambi.

Gemini

You will be filled with joy and happiness most of the day. 'Til the drugs wear off.

Cancer

All your worries will go like water under a bridge. Sorry, not worries, I meant belongings. Anyways, there's gonna be a flood.

Leo

Every time you'll look at yourself in the mirror, you'll see a leprechaun. *shrug*

Virgo

When you feel yourself doubting your actions, carry on anyways, because at the end of the day, you'll still be you. Wait, does that make sense?

Libra

What was that all about? Like, she thinks she all THAT, every time he's around, I mean, she's SUCH a bitch. And that other one, talk about dressing like a whore. Anyways, you'll see what I mean, you go girl.

Scorpio

You will be fired… up about the show and then dying… to get a close view at the band, but, then you get punched in the face… by the awesome sound coming from the speakers, until a stage light falls on you and you burst into flames, screaming in pain… hum… metaphorically.

Sagittarius

You will join the undead and acquire a strong taste for BRAAAINS.

Capricorn

Tomorrow, you will find out something interesting about what REALLY happened yesterday, which is today, so it's like the future's past, which is also, in this case, the present's past. Anyways, Larry's bangin' your wife.

Aquarius

Darth Vader is Luke's father by the way. Yeah you'll finally watch Star Wars.

Pisces

Tomorrow you will feel like a king (i.e. decapitated)

Friday, yes you can re-activate your brain now, work week is done

Aries

You'll finally find a cure for liver cancer, but you'll also be diagnosed with lung cancer.

Taurus

You will completely lose your shit when you step in some.

Gemini

Your dreams will finally come true. Yes, THOSE dreams.

Cancer

You'll have a déjà-vu about reading this very entry… spooky.

Leo

You'll really enjoy your surprise party, I mean EVERYBODY will be there, I'm telling ya, the face you'll make! Oh, right, sorry.

Virgo

Hey I got a good one-liner after the heroic thing you'll do tomorrow: "And now it's time to take out the trash!" (trust me, it'll be awesome).

Libra

Not much to say, since you won't wake up.

Scorpio

Everything you'll do tomorrow will suck.

Sagittarius

It is NOT a fart.

Capricorn

You will finally get your dream job. Then wake up and realize you're still miserable and unemployed.

Aquarius

Whatever you do, do not feed the zebras.

Pisces

Aliens will abduct you, it'll be HORRIBLE! They like country music.

Thursday, time prognostication at it's drunkest

Aries

You will finally understand that money is not what's important in this world. I mean you'll lose all your money.

Taurus

You will use this prediction to try to avert your future, but your fate cannot be changed: You will lose your favorite shoes.

Gemini

You will reinvent the wheel. Yours are square though due to patent laws.

Cancer

You'll be eaten by an octopus. Even though I'm telling you, you REALLY won't see it coming.

Leo

You will finally realize that ninjas are awesomer than pirates.

Virgo

Don't Fear the Reaper. He's busy with Jay from accounting.

Libra

You will meet the Sphinx, it will eat you unless you answer his ancient riddle: What is white-black-white-black-white-black-RED… A nun falling down the stairs.

Scorpio

Tomorrow, you will discover this blog. You should check yesterday's entry. HI THERE!

Sagittarius

Shredder will try another of his diabolical plans, but you and your brothers will thwart him again.

Capricorn

You'll be SUCH an asshole.

Aquarius

Tomorrow is a new day, all the old hurts and worries will be gone, your mind will finally be at ease. All because of your new best friend: alcohol.

Pisces

You will die and be reincarnated into a lemur.

Wednesday, who knows what tomorrow may hold? Me.

Aries

Everything will be fine, until, when you least expect it: Ninjas.

Taurus

You will become a little more like Buddha. I mean fatter.

Gemini

You will find out what happens when you sneeze underwater.

Cancer

Your love interest will finally reciprocate. But she's a he.

Leo

You'll have an uncomfortable morning, a painful afternoon and an embarrassing evening. So, do NOT forget to go the bathroom before starting the day.

Virgo

At some point tomorrow, you will suddenly self-combust. Try to eat something that smells nice in the morning, like potpourri.

Libra

You will metaphorically eat a canary, but ironically it won't matter.

Scorpio

Everyone and everything you hold dear will die/crumble to dust. Try not to be too depressed.

Sagittarius

Tomorrow you will feel like a princess (i.e. forced to marry your half-cousin for political reasons)

Capricorn

Tomorrow, you will be a racist pig, asshole.

Aquarius

Just do whatever feels right, you're awesome.

Pisces

People will see the image of Jesus in your vomit.

Tuesday, predictions may be wrong only to throw the government off

Aries

You will fail everything you try and disappoint everyone. Then cry. You big baby.

Taurus

You will be nailed to a cross and die for humanity's sins. Sucks to be you.

Gemini

I COULD tell you, but then again, I'd have to kill you. Nah, I'm kidding, somebody else kills you.

Cancer

You'll be SO surprised, but I don't wanna ruin it, I mean, what are the ODDS! One in a billion! You'll see, I mean, I WANT to tell you, but it's just, I can't, you'll have to see your face! Wow, just wow.

Leo

Pick 847293. I take donations by the way.

Virgo

You should accept that nice cup of STFU.

Libra

A platypus cannot jump very high. Remember that.

Scorpio

You will find out that your only weakness is Kryptonite. That or a baseball bat.

Sagittarius

You will use this prediction and try to change your future, but it'll create a time paradox about you trying to stop yourself from creating a time paradox.

Capricorn

You will impress everybody will your diving skills, but not your not-breaking-your-neck–on-the-side-on-the-swimming-pool skills.

Aquarius

You will go to Hell and back. I mean New Jersey.

Pisces

All your paranoid precautions will not have been for nothing. SOMETHING will happen. Haha, nah just messing with ya… or am I?

Monday, hope you had a nice weekend (it was your last)

Aries

Your day will be good, except you will continue being suuuch an douche.

Taurus

Your Master will finally hear your summons... and he will awaken, and the blood of the innocents shall fall from the sky, and fire shall engulf the world in it's apocalyptic embrace.

Gemini

Stick to your principles and you'll see the day through (unless you want to get rich, then fuck that).

Cancer

You should put on clean underwear tomorrow, or the doctors doing your autopsy will be disgusted.

Leo

You'll win a rolling-pin throwing competition and will be admired by your peers.

Virgo

The gun's a fake. Jab to the face, a good right in the gut and that Lego Batman: The Batboat, will be yours.

Libra

Tomorrow, you'll never amount to anything, just like your mother always said.

Scorpio

Fate is a fickle mistress, Karma's a bitch, and your girlfriend's throwing you out.

Sagittarius

Man you'll rock! High five!

Capricorn

You'll pretend you didn't mean to, but you'll kick a cat. You cat-kicker.

Aquarius

Your third nipple will fall off.

Pisces

Everything you touch will turn to gold. Watch out while wiping.

Saturday, thought Christianity wasn't funny?

Warning: May contain traces of ROFLMAO, LOLZ, or both. The Astrologerer is not responsible for any physical, material or psychological damage resulting from any LOLs or ROFLs from the following link. Parental discretion is advised:

The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses: http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_the-9-most-badass-bible-verses.html

TQIF: Thank Quetzalcoatl It's Friday

Aries

You'll be discombobulated most of the day. Yes, discombobulated.

Taurus

Fish will fall from the sky. Bring a sturdy umbrella.

Gemini

You thought they didn't know. They do. It all comes out tomorrow, so be prepared.

Cancer

You and your four friends' vehicles will transform and become a giant robot. Only then will you defeat Godzilla.

Leo

You'll feel a tremendous confidence and strut around like a peacock all day. Instead of their normally indifferent stare, everybody will look at you with a smile on their face. Yeah, your fly's open.

Virgo

You will find out it DOES taste like butter.

Libra

You partner has cut the cocaine and is selling on the side. You'll discover that tomorrow, but should plan his "accident" today.

Scorpio

First thing at work tomorrow: quit. It'll be less embarrassing for you that way.

Sagittarius

At 2:04 PM, on Terrance Street, in front of the third building on the right, there's a quarter on the ground. Hey, better than nothing.

Capricorn

Tomorrow will bring a new ray of sunshine into you're life, and you'll feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Then, out of nowhere: ninjas.

Aquarius

When you get the urge to just run around naked in the street, don't resist it.

Pisces

I told you what to do yesterday, and you didn't do it. And now you're whining. Well, for tomorrow's prediction: fuck you.

Thursday, I've consulted the Oracles: They say you suck

Aries

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. In wheelchair.

Taurus

Use the Calibri font, yeah it'll make all the difference.

Gemini

You'll put yo hands in the air, and wave'em like you just don't care! But you do care, and the rescue plane will not see you. You should build a bigger signal fire.

Cancer

You'll open a can of Whoop-Ass and spill it all over yourself.

Leo

The day will start with some of life's small obstacles, but you must stay positive, kill a dwarf, persevere, and in the end you will be happy with how your day panned out.

Virgo

You'll discover a secret passage in your house when you finally decide to read The Great Gatsby.

Libra

Everything will be fine. Yes. Fine. Carry on like any other day. Fine.

Scorpio

You'll meet Jesus. Eating a burger at McDonald's. Don't fuck with him.

Sagittarius

When you see him (you know who), tell him you really like his watch. You should start checking for a wedding dress by the way.

Capricorn

You'll ride the puke train to Pukesbekistan... Did I mention puke?

Aquarius

DO SOMETHING!!! ANYTHING! DO SOMETHING!!!!! ... Nah it's hopeless, never mind.

Pisces

Your cat and your dog will suddenly fight to the death. The dog wins.

Wednesday, Mars is in heat and Venus is frigid

Aries

The beginning of the day will be a complete nightmare. Then you will wake up. Then it'll be a real nightmare.

Taurus

All your problems will unexpectedly fix themselves. Moral of the story: never try.

Gemini

You will be mistaken for the dictator of a small South-American country and be assassinated by the CIA. Just try to have a surprised look.

Cancer

You will need more cowbell.

Leo

At exactly 10:32:35 AM, duck. You're welcome.

Virgo

No matter what they'll say, do NOT say Bloody Mary three times in the mirror.

Libra

The paintball game will be pretty cool actually. Don't worry about it, it won't hurt like you think. It's just afterwards that you'll get run over by a truck.

Scorpio

Tomorrow, they'll kill Kenny, the bastards.

Sagittarius

All your problems will be fixed and everything will be good. Nah, just kindin' you're still miserable, ugly and alone.

Capricorn

You'll be strangled by a rare specie of Australian constrictor snake. I won't tell you how to avoid it, 'cause I don't like you.

Aquarius

Tomorrow, you will read my prediction for the day after that, saying: "Tomorrow, you will read my prediction for the day after that, saying: "Tomorrow...

Pisces

You'll eat the whole pie, you fat pig.

Tuesday, Saturn is mooning Jupiter

Aries

THAT day has come, go check your chainsaw.

Taurus

Concerning your relationships… bah, who am I kidding you have none.

Gemini

When you hear that noise, it's NOT the house creaking. Long story short, don't be too surprised if you're shot 7 times in your bed.

Cancer

You know... this thing you keep hidden... Well, get rid of it... discreetly.

Leo

You will get run over by an ambulance.

Virgo

The hell with it, you can fart in that elevator, everybody'll think it's Larry.

Libra

You will die a horrible horrible death. No, sorry, wrong prediction, this was for Virgo. Here we go: You will also die a horrible horrible death.

Scorpio

I... I can't do this, what the HELL is the problem with you! What you'll do is, I mean... you're sick, you... need professional help.

Sagittarius

In his house underneath the ocean at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu will rise from his slumber. Just sayin'

Capricorn

When she says "You know, I've always LOVED mangos", respond "Oh yeah, nothing like the Sindhri mangoes from Pakistan, hmmhmm!". Trust me it'll work.

Aquarius

You should follow the white rabbit, then take the red pill. Oh and try kicking the agents in the nuts, it's their digital weak spot.

Pisces

The day will start fine, you'll feel a little under the weather, but don't worry, it'll pass... until you and everyone around you starts puking everywhere. I mean eeeeverywhere. Then, you'll puke just trying to clean all that puke. It'll turn into a never-ending puking loop.

Mondays suck, but don't be sad, tomorrow will be much worse.

Aries

You will step in dog poop. This event will spark the beginning of the fall of a nation.

Taurus

Hahahah!!! Man, you should've seen yourself, in the future I mean. Haha, yeah, that was a funny moment there. Pity about the duck though.

Gemini

Sunny in the morning, with a chance of rain in the afternoon. Also you're pregnant.

Cancer

You'll kill someone with a spoon. Not an accident.

Leo

You'll forget milk, again.

Virgo

If you time it just right, you can actually do a Jackie-chan-like sequence where you jump all over the place, climb to the top of the building and flee. Yeah it'll be awesome.

Libra

Beware of pandas.

Scorpio

You will die a pie-related death.

Sagittarius

"What does not kill you makes you stronger": Take it to heart tomorrow, because it will HURT.

Capricorn

Tomorrow, all their base will belong to you.

Aquarius

Tomorrow is unexplainably Christmas, go shopping now.

Pisces

You'll lose a leg in a freak accident, but gain an arm.

Welcome to The Astrologerer

I am The Astrologerer. Welcome to my blog.

For years I have hidden my supernatural power to see into the future. But today I have decided to share my uncanny predictions to the world, for Good (and for the lulz).

Since I'm better than other astrologers, my horoscopes predict tomorrow's fate, not today's (I'm astrologerer, after all).

Also, I predict that there will be one post containing a (funny) horoscope every weekday. On Saturday, I foresee the probability of a post with random crap.

Sundays will not contain any predictions, because of hang-over-related divining interference. 

Prepare to be amazeder.

 

Wednesday, the moon is waning, and your lovelife is failing.

Aries

You will start smoking. Finally now you are cool!

Taurus

You will find out the cake is a lie

Gemini

You will "ride the unicorn". If you know what I mean *wink wink nudge nudge*.

Cancer

You will see Mary Jane, she'll be smokin' in a paper-thin dress, waiting only your lips.

Leo

You will appreciate, for the first and the last time, Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick to the face.

Virgo

At some point tomorrow, you will suddenly self-combust. Try to eat something that smells nice in the morning, like potpourri.

Libra

You will wanna rock! ROCK! Want tooo rock! ROCK! But you won't 'cause you're still deathly ill.

Scorpio

You will sneeze and it'll create a butterfly effect leading to a devastating earthquake in the Philippines.

Sagittarius

You will puke into a shoe.

Capricorn

Listen, maybe I'm not a big fancy physicist, but activating all those lasers WILL create a fusion reaction, but far beyond what your safety measures can handle.
I'm telling ya you didn't account for impurities in the Hohlraum. Anyways, just remember "I told you so".

Aquarius

All your problems will unexpectedly fix themselves. I'm being sarcastic you lazy bastard.

Pisces

You'll be so happy because you got a promotion, everything will be great and your life will be perfect in every way. That's when the dinosaurs show up.