Tuesday, I foretold yesterday that I'd write this just now. Woah. Yeah I know...

Aries

The guy with the red shirt is the one that farted.

Taurus

It is imperative that you follow my instructions if you want to continue living. First, take [STAY-AT-HOME MOM MAKING 2000$/DAY WHILE WORKING FROM HER OWN HOME! FIND OUT HOW!!!], then you should be ok.

Gemini

You will do relatively well in tomorrow's presentation, considering you'll forget to put pants on.

Cancer

Tomorrow, you and all your coworkers' jobs will have been stolen by robots. Immigrant robots.

Leo

Rappers, who are a bad influence for our youths, will finally learn the error of their ways, and will start playing heavy metal.

Virgo

Beware of Pisces, they will stink, but Aries will give you time (you forgot your watch) and Gemini will sell you hot-dogs.

Libra

You will finally finish reading that book. Turns out the murderer was the character's sister.

Scorpio

You know the saying: "Curiosity killed the cat?" Well, you will kill a cat.

Sagittarius

Concerning your relationships, the love triangle you're in will change into an octagon.

Capricorn

You will discover what happens when you burp and sneeze at the same time. Hint: Projectile regurgitation is involved.

Aquarius

You'll leave your keys near the refrigerator, dumbass.

Pisces

You WILL haz a cheezburger.