Mondays suck, but don't be sad, tomorrow will be much worse.

Aries

You will step in dog poop. This event will spark the beginning of the fall of a nation.

Taurus

Hahahah!!! Man, you should've seen yourself, in the future I mean. Haha, yeah, that was a funny moment there. Pity about the duck though.

Gemini

Sunny in the morning, with a chance of rain in the afternoon. Also you're pregnant.

Cancer

You'll kill someone with a spoon. Not an accident.

Leo

You'll forget milk, again.

Virgo

If you time it just right, you can actually do a Jackie-chan-like sequence where you jump all over the place, climb to the top of the building and flee. Yeah it'll be awesome.

Libra

Beware of pandas.

Scorpio

You will die a pie-related death.

Sagittarius

"What does not kill you makes you stronger": Take it to heart tomorrow, because it will HURT.

Capricorn

Tomorrow, all their base will belong to you.

Aquarius

Tomorrow is unexplainably Christmas, go shopping now.

Pisces

You'll lose a leg in a freak accident, but gain an arm.